What we are doing now is far better than anything we have done before. What we will receive will be sweeter than anything we have received before. - "A Tale of Two Cities"
Memory is lacking in importance to me. I am the kind of person who is not accustomed to actively remembering the details of life. In other words, I selfishly focus on myself. However, when it comes to blogging, I used to write some when I was young. I stored them somewhere on the internet, but I can't remember the content anymore. It's better to say that I used to enjoy writing when I was young, and my novels and essays flowed like a spring. However, my immature writing style sometimes made me laugh. But there's nothing funny about it. I don't even have the courage to write now.
Nowadays, I rarely have such leisure time. But when I look back on the past two years, there don't seem to be many details left. I can only recall the feelings at that time. The text is casual and long, please forgive me.
Failing the Postgraduate Entrance Exam#
After missing the opportunity for recommended admission in my junior year, I started preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam. At that time, I had no concept of the exam and thought it was just another college entrance exam. I had a very relaxed attitude towards the first battle. After reducing unnecessary social interactions, I started studying around 9 in the morning and finished at 10 in the evening when the library closed. I am not someone who likes to put pressure on myself, especially when it comes to studying. At that time, I occasionally paid attention to the situations of others taking the exam on the internet or around me, and my mindset was probably better than theirs. I was good at venting my emotions. When I felt tired of studying, I would treat myself to a cup of milk tea. But later, I rarely bought it because I got tired of the milk tea shop on campus, and it wasn't very healthy.
During the first few days of the exam, I was also very lucky. I smoothly arrived at the hotel, and apart from feeling a bit nervous during the politics exam, I had a good mindset for the rest of the exams. When I walked out of the exam room after the last exam, my inner feelings were completely different from the rainy and snowy weather outside. When the results were announced, I was quite satisfied and felt that I was capable.
During the period of the interview, I was very restless. Every day, I would either look at some English and Chinese questions or read books hastily without understanding and integrating the questions I had organized. I played Minecraft every day and wasted a lot of time because I wanted to play on a foreign server after buying the genuine version last year. Even on the day of the interview, although I was a bit nervous, my mindset was completely "feeling good about myself." However, I made mistakes during the interview. Apart from the self-introduction, I stumbled over the English questions and answered the Chinese questions in an irregular manner. Although I performed well when the professors asked questions freely, the gap was probably created by the first few questions.
When I found out that I was not admitted, missing it by just one spot, I was still interning at the bank. At that time, besides having a bad expression, I didn't feel like crying that much. I was just in a daze, not thinking about anything. The interns next to me kept comforting me, saying that I still had a good chance of being transferred. When I got back to the apartment, I finally understood what kind of result I was facing. I rarely cry, and even if I do, I hide under the covers so that no one, not even myself, can hear me cry. But that day, I cried for a long time, didn't eat dinner, and continued crying after talking to my parents on the phone. I don't know why I was so fragile at that time. Isn't this just an entrance exam? If you don't pass, it's not like you'll lose an arm or a leg. Why cry? But the more I questioned myself like this, the more tears flowed uncontrollably.
At that time, I felt like a real failure. I believe that failure is always relative. If you don't have the opportunity to succeed in something, even if the final result is not satisfactory, you are far from being a failure. But when the opportunity is within reach and you ignore it, that's when you become a real failure - I am a good example of that. I really feel sorry for the effort I put in the past, so it took me a long time to recover from that emotional state. But after crying for a few days, maybe I got tired of it, and I haven't cried since, until now.
The Second Battle, a Courageous Decision?#
Many people say, "The second battle is a courageous decision." From a general perspective, it is true. The second battle requires an additional year of time, during which you give up job opportunities, money, and more contact with classmates. At the same time, you will also face the risk of finding employment being more difficult in the second year. So, for all the second battle classmates who are taking the postgraduate entrance exam, it is indeed a courageous decision.
The question mark in the title is not meant to deny this proposition, but rather to question myself. The failure of the first battle put me back on this track, but what's most terrifying is that I accepted it without any resistance. Of course, this also shows that I have a good mindset. I can still maintain such a mindset for the second battle, calmly following the plan. But am I really following the plan or just deceiving myself? Now, looking back on my preparation for the exam, I feel that I have done far worse. Compared to the first battle, I even lack a sense of reassurance, even though I really look like I am preparing for the exam.
For me, the second battle is not a courageous decision. I haven't reconciled with the me who missed the opportunity back then. I shouldn't even be here, facing another year of struggle. Writing this, I feel that my mindset is really immature. I am like a baby in swaddling clothes, naive but also very immature. On one hand, I blame myself for not working hard enough, and on the other hand, I still hold onto a lucky mentality and prepare for the exam with a clear conscience.
Forget it, let's temporarily give up on this topic and talk about the situation on the day of the second battle. The sudden relaxation of the epidemic caught me off guard. I bought a first-class seat on the high-speed train to the exam center, kept my distance from others, and didn't go out of the hotel after arriving. I ate takeout and read books every day, and I was really restless during those days. I didn't complete the planned study schedule. This year's exam is more difficult in terms of the difficulty of the public courses compared to last year. I did my best to answer the questions in the exam room. The thing that made me happiest was that in the last five minutes of the English exam, I changed three multiple-choice answers correctly, which allowed me to have a relatively stable score of 375 to enter the interview (the score line has not been announced yet, it's still an estimate). After leaving the exam room, I immediately checked my answers and felt that I did well. The burden that had been hanging over me for half a year finally had a resolution. Later, I had a fever on the train and found out that I had been infected with COVID-19. I feel really lucky this year.
I hope I can continue to work hard in the interview and not let myself down after a year of effort.
Stagnating in Place#
Although two years have allowed me to make significant progress in English, professional courses, and logical reasoning, I still haven't achieved satisfactory results in terms of scores. It can be said that in this aspect, I am indeed stagnating in place.
Another point is that my mentality is very immature. I think my dad's criticism of me is really accurate, although I can't accept his kind words and advice. But when I think about it afterwards, I realize that I still have many shortcomings, including social experience and understanding of human relationships. I hope that in the future, I can learn and practice more.
Writing up to this point, the article is probably coming to an end. But looking at it this way, I have gained a lot in these two years, haven't I? Stagnating in place may sound a bit pessimistic, haha, I don't know, but I hope that in the future, I can do fewer things that I will regret.